The roller coaster of giving it over

One year for Christmas, I asked Daddy Romero ( Alex) for an apron. He got me an apron, because he is kind, loving and desires to make me happy. This apron wasn't what I hoped for though, and it showed on my face. It wasn't a style or print that I was hoping for. There was nothing wrong with the apron, it was in fact, exactly what I asked for, but my heart sunk when I saw it. This is like when we ask God for something, receive it and then are still unsatisfied.

For those of you that don't know we have been on this crazy roller coaster of, if, and when, yes we will, no we won't move to NC, for Alex's job.
Well we won't. We sold our condo, but we have yet to a new place to live. Yet we close in like 21 days, o the packing I still need to do….

In any case I've been " giving" it to God, and then taking it back. I've been praying with my husband, and then frantically checking real estate sites like its my job. Praying things like " remind us God the importance of a home is the work you do there, the ones we share it with." Walking away from those prayers making goggly eyes at a home square footage or perfect kitchen we don't need.

(slight exaggeration of homes I'm goggly eying)

God has been bathing me in lessons on patience, on how he provides. The sermon this week at church was on 40 years in the dessert for the Israelites and manna raining from heaven. (We have been in Exodus for months, and as I struggle with this, we study that passage- it was like, WAKE UP, IM TALKING TO YOU!) God is constantly and continually baseball batting me in the head with how faithful he is.
Yet I am still anxious, frustrated with not finding a home and riding a roller coaster piloted by doubt one minute and faith the next.

You see I loved a house, Alex also liked it, but it was out of our price range. So we made an offer hoping they would come down to where we wanted to be. No dice. We walked away from negotiations, but I was still frantically checking the listing. I've prayed many a prayer that went something like, "God if that isn't our house, let it sell, take the temptation away."
Then today, I saw the words "Active Contigent" listed above it, and again my heart sunk. It was what I asked for, just like that apron. Still my heart did not sing. How selfish and sinful am I, always expecting to get what I want and not wanting it when I get it.

God took away my temptation. He is faithful. What I was putting my faith in, was that all the other prayers I've prayed ," God allow us to be able to buy this home if it's ours, " "God bring us to the right home at the right time," would eventually lead to that home. I had faith that the price on that home would fall, that it would be ours, and that God would answer my prayers in a way that most befitted my ideas of how he would answer them.

The only other way I can say that I have been faithful is by trying to fix myself, sometimes with scripture and prayer. (often not) Did you catch that its me trying to fix myself, because I think I can. Then when I can't, I wallow in my emotions of doubt, fear, and faithlessness.  (instead of just waiting on the Lord)
Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

One of the tens of times in Psalm alone, God calls us to wait on him.

Was I paying lip service in my prayers, I say no. I say God knows my heart, he knows my struggle, yet he still desires to hear it from me. He still desires me to push past my selfish desires and pray prayers that ask for more faith, patience and reliance on Him. I also know that he expects that multiple times a day I will have to pray again and give over control, if I really desire Him to have it. That it is not just a one and done situation. (unless you are a rockstar, and maybe you are) But again God knows my heart, my desire to be in control and my stubbornness. He made me from scratch.
He knows the plans he has for us, and I can't wait to share with you all when we have an accepted contract on a new home!

O the things that babies teach us.

I tell my little boy, if he does that again I will spank his hand. ( just a little swat) If he hits with the toy, I will take it away. He tests me, my boundaries and what I tell him. The toy goes away, he is lightly swatted on his hand.
 Then a full on remorse on his part sets in. He is wailing, sorry and wanting mommy to hold him, and love him. To make sure I still love him when he does wrong. I don't immediately pick him up, because I don't want to reward behavior he is being punished for. He climbs into my lap, even though I don't reassure him right away. I hold him. I tell him I love him, that he is forgiven, I hug and cuddle him.

 God says to me, this is a picture of a contrite heart. When you are so sorry, when you just want to be near me and show me you did wrong. When you know I will forgive you, when you are torn apart from the idea of being away from me.
"and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Psalm 51:17 

This is your picture from the mouth and heart of babes.

If you love me, you will be broken when you are away from me, if you love me, you will know that I correct you in love. 

con·trite

kənˈtrīt,ˈkäntrīt/

adjective

1. feeling or expressing remorse or penitence; affected by guilt

   
   

   There is no doubt in my mind, I should have punished my child for disobeying. There was no doubt in my mind I should reassure him of my love for him. Yet I often question God's motives and love for me, when I am in distress I run from him instead of climbing into his arms.

   
   

   O HOW HE LOVES US, HOW HE LOVES US, O.

   

Febrile Seizures, Ambulance Rides, IVs and a wedding?

Dear Reader,

I write this to educate, and encourage you. I also write this to spill, and spill big.
Its Friday 4 something a.m., my husband gets up for work takes a shower. And I'm in that zone where you aren't awake or asleep, you just are…. you know, you're a groggy head.
Then a blood curdling scream from my sweet baby boy, I wake all the way up with a JOLT, turn over and pick him up. (yes he sleeps with us, judge if you want)
Then I realize he's seizing, I put him back down on the bed. (which is what you are supposed to do,  hard flat surface, head tilted to one side) He's seizing just like you would picture, foaming at the mouth, head jerking back and forth. Tears streaming down my face, praying and screaming for my husband, who can't hear me over the shower.
Approximately two agonizing minutes go by of me sobbing, of him seizing. He stops for a few seconds, max 45 seconds. I grab him and murmur to him, Mommy is so sorry, she's so sorry. He screams in what I'm praying is NOT agony again, and this time its a different kind of roller coaster. he goes seemingly to sleep. During this seizure (yes this is also a seizure ) my husband comes in, I'm crying and yelling for tylenol. Im telling my husband that yes, they told us the last time he had to come back if it happens again. My husband gets the tylenol, little boy takes the tylenol ( he's little so liquid syringe) but does not respond to our repeated attempts to wake him. I get dressed, I yell at my husband to get dressed. I'm pretty demanding not in psycho mommy mode... so then there's me like this. It's go time.
He wakes up? I'm not sure if there was a reprieve here or not. In any case little man definitely changes states, He is screaming and crying like a banshee. I throw his usual breakfast in my bag, a banana and milk, we're off. Little guy is screaming and jerking the whole way there.

We get in say what happened.
the nurse seems a little out of her element with a little guy. The pediatrician comes in, he thinks he's still seizing because of all the jerking going on.
They need to weigh him so they can get the right dose. We have to change him to get an accurate weight.
The first sign of my buddy is when I put him down on the little weighing table and through the screaming reaches for me.
We hold him down for the first of many times for them to insert his IV.  They give him a sedative to stop the lingering seizure type behavior. My sweet boy calms down for a little while.
We don't know it yet, but we are in for a long day. The pediatrician on the night shift warns us, that they are transferring us because this ER/hospital doesn't have a Ped's unit, and that they will likely keep us overnight and as long as a few days.
Then the waiting starts. Have I mentioned that I have been focusing on patience the last week in my fruit of the spirit study? I could have done better.
We are waiting to hear back from our usual pediatrician, which hospital does he want us to transfer to?
We are still waiting on that…. We can't tempt Drake with any of the toys in my bag until the nurses switch, and his new pretty young nurse comes in. He picks up his little plush football and throws it. My little guy is a show off and a flirt. At least we know his little personality is in there.
The new pediatrician day shift comes on and seems extremely eager to talk about giving him a spinal tap.
Honestly after sobbing all the way to the hospital. (max 5 minutes, but an eternity in mommy land,when your baby won't stop screaming )
I start to freak again. They gave him a sedative and his motor function is inhibited, but that's all I chalked it up to. ( thankfully thats all it was) I ask God that it won't be done unless necessary, and ask for prayers of the same.
A FREAKING SPINAL TAP! Are you serious lady?

We get our transfer order, learn we have to ride in ambulance
(We try to just drive him, but apparently now that he has an IV in, we can't?)
I send my husband home for some clothes for D, and we wait. FOR A LONG TIME. patience.

I want to say that our community rallied in full force, I sent a few texts from the ER and had people just knocking it outta the park with prayers. SERIOUS. and support. IN DROVES.

My poor son hated the ambulance, so close to mommy, but so far. He screamed until he fell asleep, for the last 5 minutes of our ride. Until we got to the Peds ER, where I had to answer questions again. Where they poked and prodded and took more blood. He almost pulled out his IV.
Daddy Romero had shown up by then (he detoured for a while because he was going to beat us by ALOT)
Right after that, the care and counseling pastor from our church shows up. Unfortunately he catches my kid as stark raving mad as he's ever been. I have a giggly giddy content child on the usual. They casted his dominant arm with gauze, so he wouldn't yank the IV out.
He went back and forth between extremely angry, and pitifully showing you his arm, hoping you would take off all the gauze.
Did I mention we had serious support? One of my sister in laws is off on Fridays, stopped by, hung out for a bit, got me coffee.
More waiting.
They ask what words he says, if he is still saying them. I don't even register that they are monitoring for brain damage. I forget for how long he seized and that he could have stroked. PRAYERS OUTTA THE PARK. God protected my heart and mind.
They move us up to the PEDS floor. I ask about seeing the pediatric neurologist -the one the pediatrician at the last hospital was begging, so she could do a spinal tap. "O, they just put in the order, they may come by in an hour maybe 4 hours," the nurse told me offhandedly.
Honestly I was peeved.
God works all things together for those who love him. They wouldn't need to do a spinal tap, we waited so long they got his blood work back. His white blood cell count wasn't high enough that it was bacterial, so no testing for bacterial meningitis. Praise Jesus!

By now I was living in Psalm 23. We have this little prayer book we read D every night, the last page is Psalm 23. The Lord had written it on my heart.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want

He makes me lie down in green pastures

He leads me besides quiet waters

He restores my soul                             <prayer book version>

I will fear no evil

for you are with me

goodness and love will be with me my whole life

and I will live in the house of Lord forever 

Long story short, after putting us on precautions for strep, (nope) and D having a 103.8 temp after being medicated and monitored constantly. After him pulling out his IV after his last blood panel and bleeding a bit. (scary)

After seeing another pediatrician (we saw 4) and a pediatric neurologist. There is a 50% chance it could happen again before he is 2. They sent us home with a prescription in case of a seizure lasting more than 3 minutes. ( on that day his total seizures were between 5-15 minutes) 

We were overwhelmed with love. SO many offers of food, prayers, helpful advice. Another one the elders where we go to church stopped by, and prayed over us. 

There were beautiful moments, like D throwing that football, reaching for me on the scale… At one point I looked at my husband and said thanks for being here, and he responded," where else would I be?" ( that sums up my husband and how great he is) We pushed the hospital bed and the couch together so D was in between us just like at home. ( I know, I know) 

My husband getting a little emotional  in gratitude each time an elder from the church showed up. ( twice ) 

God has blessed us, So if you prayed, texted, called, offered something, came by THANK YOU! IT DID NOT GO UNNOTICED. GOD WAS AT WORK.

We had peace,  and felt lifted up. 

Here are some facts about febrile seizures:

Febrile seizures are convulsions brought on by a fever in infants or small children. During a febrile seizure, a child often loses consciousness and shakes, moving limbs on both sides of the body. Less commonly, the child becomes rigid or has twitches in only a portion of the body, such as an arm or a leg, or on the right or the left side only. Most febrile seizures last a minute or two, although some can be as brief as a few seconds while others last for more than 15 minutes.

Approximately one in every 25 children will have at least one febrile seizure, and more than one-third of these children will have additional febrile seizures before they outgrow the tendency to have them. Febrile seizures usually occur in children between the ages of 6 months and 5 years and are particularly common in toddlers. Children rarely develop their first febrile seizure before the age of 6 months or after 3 years of age.

The type of febrile seizure also matters; children who have prolonged febrile seizures (particularly lasting more than an hour) or seizures that affect only part of the body, or that recur within 24 hours, are at a somewhat higher risk. Among children who don't have any of these risk factors, only one in 100 develops epilepsy after a febrile seizure.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD HAS A FEBRILE SEIZURE

Seizures are frightening, but it is important that parents and caregivers stay calm and carefully observe the child. To prevent accidental injury, the child should be placed on a protected surface such as the floor or ground. The child should not be held or restrained during a convulsion. To prevent choking, the child should be placed on his or her side or stomach. When possible, gently remove any objects from the child's mouth. Never place anything in the child's mouth during a convulsion. Objects placed in the mouth can be broken and obstruct the child's airway. Look at your watch when the seizure starts. If the seizure lasts 10 minutes, the child should be taken immediately to the nearest medical facility. Once the seizure has ended, the child should be taken to his or her doctor to check for the source of the fever. This is especially urgent if the child shows symptoms of stiff neck, extreme lethargy, or abundant vomiting.

O ya wedding

We went home on Saturday, had dinner and went to a wedding. D was fever and contagion free and we were ready to celebrate and up lift a wonderful couple as they were joined together by God.

Here are some pics

I hope you get the feeling I think my guys are handsome, my God is worthy, and that He created us for community.

 And that I love all of those things, but not in that order. 

God made my little guy from scratch 

                                                 and He knows the plans he has for him, 

                                                                          plans to give him a hope and future. 

Ven

Because God never straightjacketed me

Today my son fell asleep on the way to Costco from the St. Charles Children's Heritage Festival.
You know, an hour before his actual nap time and for a whole stinkin' 15 minutes.
So I knew I was in for it.
We did our thing at Costco, then moved onto the next errand.
My son was hitting and throwing and screaming in the next store. Which is extremely outside his nature, but he was ready to go home and go to sleep.
In any case a thought occurred to me.
probably two seconds after I got the judging stare from the fitting room clerk.

Why is it unacceptable to muzzle and straightjacket my child?
In that singular moment I was sure that would fix all my problems.
First of all lets clear up that I would never ever dream of doing that.
Except that I did, sort of have the idea pop in my head.
Through that, random thought God showed me a parallel.

There are so many times as my parent God has wanted to straight jacket me so I wouldn't take that next step into sin.
SO many times he has wanted to muzzle me and stop me from hurting a feeling, starting an argument or destroying a relationship with my mouth.
Yet he doesn't do those things.

He lets me mess up and helps put me back together again.
Or he reminds me of his love, his word, or my story.
So I take a step back, and reflect on how that choice or those words will be received.
But the one I was most encouraged with was the last one he showed me.
That was, allowing some one to come in and influence me for the better.
To me that is the perfect picture of my role as a mother to my son. That God set me here on this earth to be that person in D's life.
To step in and influence him, through my actions, words and sometimes discipline.
You see wanting to stop my son from making mistakes is ok. (although a straightjacket and a muzzle isn't ok)
Really though, God has called me to step in,re-direct and guide him away from those mistakes. Today his behavior could have been avoided by not having him out at nap time. But really it showed me a smidgen of how deep the Father's love is for us.

Hey y'all!

Hey y'all,
I'm Ven. Im here to re-introduce myself and my blog. I know these blog things are supposed to be focused, right? You are supposed to pick a topic or area of concentration? and run with it. I'm not like that, I can't do that.
What I can do is share my mission statement, and a piece of my heart on here.
I can share that I am some one who is learning to count the costs.
One who dreams big and struggles to follow through on occasion.
Someone who is still learning what she means to God, the value that he's placed on her,
trying to trust that and NOT trying to reconcile that with broken sinner she is.

So on the blog I will feature what we wear, and I don't promise to have style to inspire you.
 Right now I just can't make myself put my little boy in leggings and moccs, I'm just not that cool… (while I think it looks adorable on others' kids) In this house we rock a lot of Converse, comic book heroes, Old Navy, and TMNT jammies.

I will feature what we eat, and I don't promise to be the crunchiest mom you've ever heard of.

I will feature where we shop and what we love. And while I shop local, and small ALOT. I love me some Costco, because, well, have you been there?

I will try to share my story, and it may not be one that moves you to tears.
But it is our stories that unite us, they're what makes us community, and it is acknowledging the One who wrote our stories that helps further the kingdom.

So, I can't promise, to be inspiring, moving, or crunch-tastic?
What do I have to offer?
Hopefully you will see a mom who you could approach on the playground, one who you could be friends with, share toddler war stories with, one who could encourage you and whom you could encourage. I offer you me, the God who made me and the brokenness I am without him.