The roller coaster of giving it over

One year for Christmas, I asked Daddy Romero ( Alex) for an apron. He got me an apron, because he is kind, loving and desires to make me happy. This apron wasn't what I hoped for though, and it showed on my face. It wasn't a style or print that I was hoping for. There was nothing wrong with the apron, it was in fact, exactly what I asked for, but my heart sunk when I saw it. This is like when we ask God for something, receive it and then are still unsatisfied.

For those of you that don't know we have been on this crazy roller coaster of, if, and when, yes we will, no we won't move to NC, for Alex's job.
Well we won't. We sold our condo, but we have yet to a new place to live. Yet we close in like 21 days, o the packing I still need to do….

In any case I've been " giving" it to God, and then taking it back. I've been praying with my husband, and then frantically checking real estate sites like its my job. Praying things like " remind us God the importance of a home is the work you do there, the ones we share it with." Walking away from those prayers making goggly eyes at a home square footage or perfect kitchen we don't need.

(slight exaggeration of homes I'm goggly eying)

God has been bathing me in lessons on patience, on how he provides. The sermon this week at church was on 40 years in the dessert for the Israelites and manna raining from heaven. (We have been in Exodus for months, and as I struggle with this, we study that passage- it was like, WAKE UP, IM TALKING TO YOU!) God is constantly and continually baseball batting me in the head with how faithful he is.
Yet I am still anxious, frustrated with not finding a home and riding a roller coaster piloted by doubt one minute and faith the next.

You see I loved a house, Alex also liked it, but it was out of our price range. So we made an offer hoping they would come down to where we wanted to be. No dice. We walked away from negotiations, but I was still frantically checking the listing. I've prayed many a prayer that went something like, "God if that isn't our house, let it sell, take the temptation away."
Then today, I saw the words "Active Contigent" listed above it, and again my heart sunk. It was what I asked for, just like that apron. Still my heart did not sing. How selfish and sinful am I, always expecting to get what I want and not wanting it when I get it.

God took away my temptation. He is faithful. What I was putting my faith in, was that all the other prayers I've prayed ," God allow us to be able to buy this home if it's ours, " "God bring us to the right home at the right time," would eventually lead to that home. I had faith that the price on that home would fall, that it would be ours, and that God would answer my prayers in a way that most befitted my ideas of how he would answer them.

The only other way I can say that I have been faithful is by trying to fix myself, sometimes with scripture and prayer. (often not) Did you catch that its me trying to fix myself, because I think I can. Then when I can't, I wallow in my emotions of doubt, fear, and faithlessness.  (instead of just waiting on the Lord)
Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

One of the tens of times in Psalm alone, God calls us to wait on him.

Was I paying lip service in my prayers, I say no. I say God knows my heart, he knows my struggle, yet he still desires to hear it from me. He still desires me to push past my selfish desires and pray prayers that ask for more faith, patience and reliance on Him. I also know that he expects that multiple times a day I will have to pray again and give over control, if I really desire Him to have it. That it is not just a one and done situation. (unless you are a rockstar, and maybe you are) But again God knows my heart, my desire to be in control and my stubbornness. He made me from scratch.
He knows the plans he has for us, and I can't wait to share with you all when we have an accepted contract on a new home!